At the end of love, there is only desolation
Chapter 1
Four years after John’s death, I went to his grave to talk to him, only to find it gone.
Panicked, I rushed home and told my son to call the police.
My son sighed and said, “Mom, Dad’s grave wasn’t there. He’s buried with Aunt Sarah.”
“He said he was forced to marry someone he didn’t love when he was alive, and his only wish was to be buried with the one he loved after death.”
The Sarah he spoke of was John’s “the one that got away” for thirty years.
The next moment, I was back to the day John abandoned me after my miscarriage to go find Sarah.
Instead of begging him to stay, I silently booked a one-way ticket out of town.
1.
I stayed at the clinic for three days, leaving only when the abdominal pain became bearable.
John didn’t visit me once. I took care of everything myself: the medicine, the injections, the bills.
He was busy comforting Sarah, wiping her tears, assuring her that his marriage to me was forced. He had no time for me.
Back home, I was packing when John walked in, looking around with displeasure.
“I’ve been gone for three days, and you couldn’t even tidy up the house? It’s a mess.”
The “mess” was an unmade bed and a few clothes lying around.
But he always treated me like this, ready to scowl at the slightest inconvenience.
I glanced at him, continuing to pack, and said flatly, “I just got out of the hospital.”
John paused, his lips pursed. He watched me for a moment, then, strangely, started helping me fold clothes, his voice softening.
“How are you feeling?”
I scoffed. I couldn’t believe he was asking.
Three days ago, he’d abandoned me, bleeding, to rush to Sarah’s side without a single backward glance.
“I’m fine.” I didn’t look at him, continuing to pack my clothes into the bag.
John noticed what I was doing and casually asked, “Why are you separating our clothes?”
“Taking them to the laundry.” I held the bag, my face expressionless.
He didn’t seem to care what I was doing, just nodded absently.
I put the bag in the shed and went back inside.
John was holding a beautifully wrapped bag, beckoning me with a gentle smile.
“Come here, I bought this for you in town.”
I stood still. He didn’t get impatient, but walked towards me, still smiling.
He tore open the bag, pulled out a veil, and placed it on my head.
He led me to the mirror, nodding with a smile.
“I saw a bride wearing this veil at a wedding, and I immediately thought you would look beautiful in it, so I bought it for you.”
Staring at my reflection wearing the veil, I felt a pang of sadness.
In my past life, I’d yearned for John to buy me a veil, to have a proper wedding, but it never happened.
In this life, he fulfilled my wish just because I hadn’t thrown a tantrum.
I would have been touched before, but now my heart was still.
I took off the veil and said impassively, “I don’t like it.”
John was taken aback, his face full of disbelief. He glared at me.
The look on his face screamed, “How dare you?”
His tone hardened. “Suit yourself. I need to talk to you about something.”
“The factory is going to award you ‘Employee of the Month’. Sarah is right behind you in line. I need you to tell the factory you don’t want it, and give it to Sarah.”
I looked at him, my eyes dull. So that was why he’d been so nice. He’d been buttering me up.
“I earned that recognition.”
My stance was clear: I wasn’t giving it up.
He looked at me impatiently, frowning.
“Sarah is married and moving to the city. Only ‘Employee of the Month’ gets transferred to the city branch. Can’t you understand her situation as a woman?”
I scoffed. Sarah was already married, and he was still going out of his way for her.
No wonder he’d carried a torch for her for over thirty years.
I remembered how, in my past life, my ‘Employee of the Month’ award had been abruptly revoked and given to Sarah.
Judging by his attitude now, he’d probably sabotaged my chances.
“I can’t give it up.” I looked away, calmly stating, “I earned it.”
My composure infuriated John. He clenched his fists, gritting his teeth.
“Amy! I don’t know how I ended up marrying such a cold, heartless woman! You have no compassion!”
He slammed the door and left, the already flimsy wooden door rattling in its frame.
2.
John went to the city and didn’t come back that night.
I found out from the ticket salesman.
It went without saying who he was with.
In my past life, he wouldn’t have gone to the city after an argument. He’d have spent the night in the school office.
And the next morning, I would have humbled myself, begging him at the school gates to come home.
Or perhaps, I wouldn’t have even known he’d gone to the city at all.
But not this time. I would never crush my self-respect to appease him again.
I bought a train ticket to Miami, leaving in five days. Instead of going home, I wandered around town.
This was my second time in the city. The first time was with John.
Walking down the street, I couldn’t help but recall the beginning of our relationship.
We’d met on a blind date. He was straightforward, not very good at sweet-talking.
After a few meetings, he asked, “Want to go to the city?”
Walking through the city, he pointed out all the interesting sights.
He bought me cotton candy, candied apples, and hair clips.
It was the first time I had anything so sweet it made my teeth ache.
As we walked, he took my hand, so nervous I could hear his heart beating. He said, “Amy, I don’t know how to treat a girl right. I heard that if you like her, you should keep buying her things.”
Back then, I didn’t understand what a confession was. I ended up with him in a daze.
If I’d known then that John often came to the city to pursue Sarah, I might not have longed to come back.
I spent half my life with John, and he finally changed his attitude towards me after Sarah’s untimely death.
I thought my perseverance had paid off, that my love had finally borne fruit.
But it turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking.
In John’s eyes, I was just someone he married out of obligation, without love. His heart would always belong to Sarah.
I was walking down the street when a familiar figure in the distance stopped me in my tracks.
John was riding a bicycle with Sarah, her arms wrapped around his back, laughing sweetly.
She looked so happy, until she saw me. The smile vanished from her face.
Sarah was the first to greet me, looking me up and down with amusement. “Amy, are you looking for John? He just told me you’d come begging him to come home.”
Her words were laced with mockery and disdain.
John walked over, pushing his bike, frowning.
“What are you doing here? Don’t think I’ll fall for your pleas like before!”
Seeing his smug expression, I kept my composure. “Just passing through.”
John frowned, clearly not believing me. His tone softened as he approached me.
“Alright, I don’t want to argue. Let’s go home.”
“No need.” I stepped away.
John grabbed my wrist, his expression darkening.
Caught off guard by his sudden pull, I stumbled, my stomach hitting a parked bicycle.
Pain shot through me, and I doubled over, clutching my abdomen.
Panic flashed across John’s face. He quickly crouched beside me, asking anxiously, “What’s wrong? Did you hit your stomach? Come on, I’ll take you to the clinic!”
My brow furrowed, sweat beading on my forehead from the pain. I nodded weakly.
He helped me onto the bicycle. He hadn’t gone two steps when Sarah suddenly cried out.
John stopped immediately, turning to her in alarm.
“What’s wrong?”
Sarah collapsed on the ground, pointing to her ankle. “I think I twisted it.”
John put down the bike and rushed to her side. I knew that once he went to her, he wouldn’t take me to the clinic.
Sure enough, after a moment’s hesitation, John carefully helped me off the bike, his voice apologetic.
“Sarah’s injury seems more serious. Wait here. I’ll take her to the clinic and come back for you. Just hold on.”
He hurriedly rode off with Sarah, without looking back.
I wasn’t foolish enough to wait for him. I struggled to my feet and went to a pharmacy to buy painkillers.
3.
I didn’t leave immediately after returning home.
My train ticket was for the day before the factory announced the ‘Employee of the Month’. Even though I knew the factory wouldn’t last more than a few years before downsizing, I didn’t want to hand over what I rightfully deserved to Sarah.
After all, in my past life, Sarah had used that award, which should have been mine, to taunt me repeatedly, and she’d taken many things I cherished.
I went to the factory and made it clear that the award belonged to me. I had earned it.
On the day the results were due, Mr. Jones, the supervisor, called me to his office.
John and Sarah were there. He hadn’t returned home since that day in the city.
He’d probably spent every waking moment by Sarah’s side, showering her with care.
His gaze fell on me, cold as ice. He hissed, “I told you to give up the award!”
I said indifferently, “I didn’t agree to.”
Sarah sobbed, her face crumpled, tugging at John’s arm. “John, I know you’ll make sure things are fair.”
John’s coldness melted away. He tenderly wiped her tears, his voice gentle. “Yes, I will help you.”
Mr. Jones coughed awkwardly, turning to me. “Amy, John said you wanted to forfeit the ‘Employee of the Month’ award. Is that true?”
He was sharp and had instantly grasped the situation. His question clearly favored me. I shook my head. “I did not want to forfeit the award.”
Mr. Jones nodded, looking helplessly at John. “You see, Amy herself hasn’t said she wants to forfeit it. What others say doesn’t count.”
Sarah cried harder, burying her face in John’s chest. “John, you promised you’d help me.”
John embraced her, their affection making my eyes sting.
I had always thought he was reserved and introverted.
He’d always recoiled from public displays of affection with me, be it hugging or holding hands.
Once, when I picked him up from work, my pinky finger had accidentally brushed against his.
He’d flown into a rage, berating me in front of the neighbors.
He said it tarnished his image as a teacher, that I was careless and inconsiderate.
In my past life, I’d thought that was just how he was. I’d swallowed the委屈, telling myself to understand his nature.
Finally, seeing how completely he loved someone else, I understood. It wasn’t his nature; it was his lack of love for me.
John’s voice pulled me from my reverie. He tightened his hold on Sarah, his voice firm with resolve. “I seem to recall a factory rule: ‘Employee of the Month’ must be married.”
Mr. Jones looked startled, then nodded. “There is such a rule.”
Sarah glanced at me, a smug look on her face.
My fingernails dug into my palms. I knew what he was going to say.
So, in my past life, he had revealed my deepest wound, my secret, for Sarah’s sake.
Without hesitation, he announced to everyone in the office, “Amy and I aren’t legally married. She was a child bride to an older man. Her household registration is still with him…”
“Stop!” I roared, interrupting him.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at him, scoffing.
He had promised never to tell anyone.
It was the darkest, most painful secret of my life, and he’d betrayed me for Sarah.
The pain in my chest was suffocating. This was what it felt like to be utterly disappointed in someone.
I composed myself, turning to Mr. Jones. “He’s right. We have no legal ties. I don’t want the award.”
Then, to John, my voice flat and numb, “This award is for your beloved Sarah. From now on, we’re done.”
